Poetry

Twitter Ye Not

It’s come to something when conversation
Floats face down in the water
And talking with your mouth is reduced to its knees
Attention span to the slaughter
Whatever happened to the gift of the gob
The natter, the patter and the chatter
Throwing the lips into forming words
And fiddling with the old grey matter

I want to talk to you in real time
While you’re there, face to face throughout
But all this Facebook, Myspace, Bebo, Flickr, Twitter stuff’s
Completely freaking me out
All I’ve had is a poke on your wall
And some static interference from Al Jaziera
I’ve been under the doctor for the last eighteen months
Craving for the analogue era

What have I got to do to get through to you?
All I’m after’s a quick word
You spend more time with your phone on the blog
Borderline obscene but never heard
Sending me texts saying you’ve left a message
Behind a wall on your Facebook page
I can’t get a word in now your new best mates
Are talking absolute bollocks centre
Hundreds of friends you’ve never even met
Disecting what no-one did next
Brown-nosed browsers kissing each others’ trousers
Immersed in the joy of text

OMG! I did the best toilet ever!
I had a whole coffee cake with my tea!
We laughed so much I sucked my trousers up my arse
And the cartilage popped out of my knee! LOL!

And Tristram died in a blogging accident
The poor unfortunate soul
He was poked by a stoker from Kuala Lumpur
And couldn’t find the blog roll
Fifi’s done a runner and left me with the kids
Kylie, Ptolemy and Chlamydia
Twatted me on Twitter, all twisted and bitter
Said ‘I couldn’t friggin’ wait to get rid of yer’

And who could forget y’know, whats’ername
Her with the three million friends
Found in bed with an inflatable sheep
And friction burns at both ends .......

But I say this
With intense confidence
And two fingers of wit
For the most part
All of this Twitterati stuff
Should be filed under ‘Who Gives A Shit’

I won’t even mention the potential dangers
Of accepting Tweets from complete and utter strangers

So unplug your ipod, laptop and mobile
And let’s gaze into each others’ eyes
We can swap words and sentences wrapped in conversation
It’s the coolest way to tell each other lies

This kind of stuff can make the heart grow harder
Aggressive, mean-spirited, even nasty
And nothing electronic can say ‘I love you’
More than a bunch of forecourt flowers and a pasty

It’s come to something when conversation
Floats face down in the water
And talking with your mouth is reduced to its knees
Attention span to the slaughter
Whatever happened to the gift of the gob
The natter, the patter and the chatter
Throwing the lips into forming words
And fiddling with the old grey matter

I wanted to talk to you in real time
While you were there, face to face throughout
But all this Facebook, Myspace, Bebo, Flickr, Twitter stuff’s
Completely freaked me out
I’m not interested in tweeting or poking
And now the will to live’s almost diminished
All I want to say is I’ve been on ebay
And bought a Thai bride – we’re finished

Infinitum Ad

Male, 39. Considered ugly
Fat, glasses and overweight
Flatulent with erupting acne
Skin like a cheese grate
Seeks young woman, 18-24
Blonde, fit and slim
Financially solvent, with own car and house
To share his £10 Lottery win

Cushion Talk

Dry mouth, blurred vision
Constipation, indecision
I’m all at sea in an ocean of commotion
Expectation, inflammation
Agitation, perspiration
Even my pants are crackling with static emotion

You’re playing with my heart again
After promising so much
And those catalogue diamond ring tones
That we swapped to keep in touch
Only serve to remind me
As we near the final curves
You’re living in another world
And I’m on pills for my nerves

Thrilling fields or killing fields
Which one will it be?
You’ve got all the answers
‘cos I know it isn’t me
That’s sitting in the driving seat
Crashing through the gears
And now you’ve managed to park your arse
It’ll probably all end in tears

It’s not my fault I’m not keen on holding hands
Or that every time your mum comes round she misunderstands
My sophisticated sense of humour, considers me impolite
Takes off her sovereign rings and insists that we fight

Heartbreaks and heartaches
May strengthen the spine
But this is about you and me now
So I might as well speak my mind

I can’t stand the candles
That you burn around the bath
Or the thirty thousand cushions
That you’ve scattered round the gaff
That you’re a vegetarian
And I am what I eat
If God didn’t want us to eat animals
Why make them out of meat?

I hate your damp washing
On my exercise bike
The fact you won’t buy bacon
Or those full fat crisps I like
Your migraines, mood swings
The fairground for the cat
And your constant interference
With the heating thermostat

You tidy up my stuff
And I never see it again
I don’t know where
Don’t know when
And you re-arrange house and home
According to feng shui
And I’ve got to put the bog seat down
Just like the mystics say

But then again .......

You have got lovely eyes
Especially the one on the right
I’d probably miss your nut roasts
Every other Friday night
I’d miss your whistling nostrils
When you doze in front of the box
Your pencil moustache and your flatulence
After the cabbage soup detox

You’re playing with my heart again
After promising so much
And those extended forked tongues
That we swapped to keep in touch
Only serve to remind me
That it pays to think things through
So I’ll say what I mean and mean what I say
I just won’t say them to you

She Said I Was A Dreamer

She said I was a dreamer
That I wouldn’t amount to much
That I lived in some kind of parallel world
And I lacked the Midas touch
I was shallow and avoided reality
But it doesn’t really matter now
She won the lottery and lives Spain
Bleedin’ lucky cow

Lazy

I’m epic in my laziness
Alleged borderline M.E.
Turns out I just couldn’t be arsed
Medical science eh? Bugger me

Smile

The same in any language
Powerful, contagious and free
A smile is worth a thousand words
And comes with a full warranty

It’s the shortest distance between us
When all is said and done
If you see someone without a smile
Stop and give them one