Lyrics

Valentine

Every single second of every single minute
Of every single hour of every single day
Of every week, of every month, of every year
At least three times, quite often four
I never think of you

The Real Slimfast Shady

This is the deal, it’s real, I’m not fakin’
I couldn’t do a day without fried egg and bacon
Polyunsaturates dressed in lard
I’m a black pudding, sausage and egg die-hard
A fried bread lover and a hot dog trapper
I once pulled a gun on a grease-proof rapper
But non-the-less, I’m non-the-wiser
Although I do exfoliate and use moisturiser

I need it now and I can’t wait much longer
Full breakfast on a bap can only make me stronger
Make it or take it you high-in-fat haters
You know where you can stuff your baked potatoes
I’m not thick skinned, full of wind, sequinned and bloated
Even if my Parka is green and sugar coated
I know what I like and I like what I know
Get your bread in the tomato juice and go with the flow

Okay, we know life’s better in dreams
There’s no smoke without fire except for smoke machines
That flavour of the month only ever lasts a week
And the earth will never inherit Joe Meek
Tell me why ‘abbreviate’ is such a long word
Why honey gets a better press than lemon curd
But as a rule, keep your cool, if they call you fat
Don’t let it get to you, you’re bigger than that

I need you here and I need right now
Two bread vans wrapped round a cow
You’re the best at absorbing the night before
Why don’t they kiss and fry-up like this anymore
This is real, it’s the deal, and I’m not fakin’
I’m vacant and shakin’ if I’m not makin’ bacon
I need you here and I need right now
Two bread vans wrapped round a cow

I was in the planetarium with a vegetarian
In the butty queue behind an antiquarian
I laughed when he told me he could eat a horse
Especially if you rubbed it down with brown sauce
And unless I misheard or I’m very much mistaken
He said he was one of those veggie’s that still eat bacon
Which serves to remind us, whichever way you re-heat it
Most of us want our cake and most of us eat it

(from the album 'SLIP OF THE TONGUE' c.2008 KW/Red Rag Media)

Neville Flowers Is A Very Nice Man

Back in the day when they danced to the Kinks
And every tv drama featured kitchen sinks
The Flowers’ they were bloomin’ and their love was true
And the world had never even heard of B and Q

But it wasn’t too long before the rot set in
And although it wasn’t what you’d call a cardinal sin
She didn’t mind the beer and she could tolerate the fags
But she couldn’t stand his stash of DIY mags

Hand tools, Cuprinol
Wood glue, spag bol
Ginger nuts, bib and brace
Half price fireplace
Rusty hinge, multi-tool
Turks head, steel rule
Swarfiga, wood screw
Wing nut, love me do
He does exactly as it says on the tin

Even his best kecks are peppered with artex
But Neville Flowers is a very nice man
God he’s fantastic with sealant and mastik
Neville Flowers is a very nice man
B and Q, Home Base nonpartisan
Chandeliers in his caravan, man
Neville Flowers is a very nice man

She eat a Toblerone down the telephone
When she finally told him she was leaving home
It floored him like the decking on his new veranda
So he tried to smooth it over with a Black and Decker sander

But she was having none of it and told him the score
He tried to entice her with a woodblock floor
Some Rapid Hardware vouchers, beads and bangles
But where she walked with angels, he worked with angles

Hand tools, Cuprinol
Wood glue, spag bol
Ginger nuts, bib and brace
Half price fireplace
Rusty hinge, multi-tool
Turks head, steel rule
Swarfiga, wood screw
Wing nut, love me do
He does exactly as it says on the tin

Even his best kecks are peppered with artex
But Neville Flowers is a very nice man
God he’s fantastic with sealant and mastik
Neville Flowers is a very nice man
B and Q, Home Base nonpartisan
Chandeliers in his caravan, man
Neville Flowers is a very nice man

He misses her touch when he unblocks a drain
(She was decorated for bravery in the bathroom campaign)
The celtic tattoo on the left bingo wing
And the way she blew smoke through her sovereign ring

Now he whiles away the hours in the downstairs bog
Fingering the pages of the Argos catalogue
And fondly remembers the power drill he lent her
When he dines alone at the garden centre

Hand tools, Cuprinol
Wood glue, spag bol
Ginger nuts, bib and brace
Half price fireplace
Rusty hinge, multi-tool
Turks head, steel rule
Swarfiga, wood screw
Wing nut, love me do
He does exactly as it says on the tin

Even his best kecks are peppered with artex
But Neville Flowers is a very nice man
God he’s fantastic with sealant and mastik
Neville Flowers is a very nice man
B and Q, Home Base nonpartisan
Chandeliers in his caravan, man
Neville Flowers is a very nice man

(from the album 'SLIP OF THE TONGUE' c.2008 KW/Red Rag Media)

I Want You

There’s butterflies in my stomach
And they’re wearing barbed wire shirts
I’ve got toothache in both nostrils
Even my eyebrows hurt
I’m itching, breathless, can’t keep still
I feel like a worn out shoe
I’m not too keen on the dysentery
And it’s all down to you

I think my head’s on back to front
My trousers feel too tight
I’m making socks from navel fluff
I wet the bed at night
I don’t know what I’m doing
But I know this much is true
I’m off my food and off my head
And it’s all down to you

You know I know what happened to the lino
Underneath my feet
I saw and he saw you on a see saw
Dancing indiscreet

I’ve lost all concentration
At times I struggle to speak
I’ve started playing bingo
Two or three times a week
I’m ten times tense and nervous
I’ve started sniffin’ glue
My imaginary friend’s done a runner
And it’s all down to you

And I want you
I need you
I want you
I need you
I want you
I need you
I want you
I really need you

To bugger off

(from the album 'RAPSCALLION BOP' c.2009 KW/Red Rag Media)

Non-Traditionally Beautiful

Things were sweet when he first held her hand
That week in Rhyl in his mum’s caravan
All potato wedged up with sour cream
And rhythm methodology with margarine
But caught in the half light
He was nutted by despair
She came back from the bagwash with her flaws laid bare

She told him she loved him but she didn’t like her ears
The size of her nose had reduced her to tears
She had tram lines on both of her eyes
And struggled finding leggings that could handle her thighs
And through conjunctivitis
He could see that her pain was real
So they talked about it over coffee and a Wagon Wheel

You’re non-traditionally beautiful
And I want you just the way that you are
You’re non-traditionally beautiful
And I love you just the way that you are, oh yeah
I love you just the way that you are

In the blink of an eye she’d had an eye brow lift
Bought a pair of those tits a JCB couldn’t shift
A collagen trout-pout and a botoxed head
And was looking like an extra from ‘Shaun of the Dead’
Before he could say Pot Noodle
She was under the knife to augment
Those well-worn weather-beaten flaps on the front of her tent

You’re non-traditionally beautiful
And I want you just the way that you are
You’re non-traditionally beautiful
But your smile’s just a bridge too far, oh yeah
Your smile’s just a bridge too far

Spider veins, crow’s feet
Liposuction, reet petite
Face lifts, perma-tans
Easy term payment plans

White lines, tummy tucks, buttocks and thighs
Belly button sculpture, non-refelective eyes
Sphincter realignment to lift it off the deck
And a bag-head’s pony tail to sort the turkey neck
And through what looked like a road kill
As he watched her new ears being pinned
He saw that she now had a face like a cat breaking wind

You’re non-traditionally beautiful
And I want you just the way that you are
You’re non-traditionally beautiful
But it’s all gone a bit too far, oh yeah
It’s all gone way too far, oh yeah
Ad infinitum, add paint, add jam
Ad lib, add water, ad nauseam

Take one corset, eat as many cakes as you can
And spill forth ....... Hare Krishna

(from the album 'SLIP OF THE TONGUE' c.2008 KW/Red Rag Media)